Blogging in E minor
Usually just a bunch of silly crap.

The Mystery of the Alien Baby Dead Thing

            “C’mon, Bernie, get in the car!” I implored my daughter, “We’re running late!”

            “I’m not getting in there with that dead baby rat there!”

            WTF could she possibly be talking about? I looked over my driver’s-side console to view the area surrounding her seat.

            To my complete shock, I discovered — just as she described — a tiny, four legged dead thing in fetal position on the passenger-side floor board. It was gray, hairless, embryo-like in appearance. It could not have been more than an inch-and-a-half in length with tiny little legs and tiny little feet with an even tinier little tail outlining the curve of its inwardly drawn hind legs. To me, it resembled a mouse more than a rat.

            Again, we were running late due to my failure to iron my dress clothes the night before in preparation for my morning full of meetings. I had to get Bernadette to school, and time allowed for neither solemnity nor squeamishness. I grabbed a few napkins from a stack I had piled upon the back seat, picked up the dead thing and chucked it out the door.

            “Get in!” I ordered, relieved that the deceased critter hadn’t stirred in my hands.


            We recounted the morning’s excitement to Felicia, my wife, after we had all returned home that evening. She didn’t believe us, so we were compelled to show her the post-mortem, neo-natal chapacabroid rodent-like thing that still lay in the driveway. This creeped her out profoundly.

            Speculation as to what it was and how it got there ensued. With a shudder, Felicia proclaimed that she knew what it was: a baby squirrel. This sounded reasonable. After all, our house was surrounded by them, largely due to the two giant, acorn bearing oak trees in our front yard. Close inspection confirmed that it resembled a squirrel more than anything else.

            But how did it get there? We inferred from its undeveloped features that it could not have been more than a couple days old when it expired. Certainly, there was no way it could have jumped more than 20 times its height into my car in such a fragile state.

Three theories were proposed:

1) Bernadette unwittingly stepped on the poor creature, and it stuck to her shoe long enough to carry it into the car. The weakness of this theory is that the dead thing did not appear crushed, certainly not enough to cause it to stick to a shoe.

2) It clung to or jumped into something that had been placed on the ground before being loaded into my car.

 Then Felicia came up with my personal favorite, yet least likely, explanation just before retiring that night:

3) A pregnant squirrel had climbed up into the underside of my car and made its way into the glove box, where it gave birth. One of the babies might have fallen out of the glove compartment as I had opened it, only to starve to death in my car.

            “You need to check your glove compartment now!” She begged, grossed out by the idea of it all. I reluctantly put some shoes on and made my way outside to investigate.

             Fortunately, there were no squirrel babies – dead, alive or zombified – in my glove compartment. Upon inspection, I came to the conclusion that the snug confines would not be conducive to childbirth for any species. It was full on angular plastic and metal tools. Furthermore, the idea of anything getting in there from the outside was more of the makes of urban myth than a logistical possibility.

            I reported my negative findings to my wife so that she could sleep peacefully that night without the fear of varmints propagating in my car.

            Yet the mystery remains: how did the dead thing get there? If anybody cares to speculate, please post a comment. Any and all replies are welcome.

            Meanwhile, something keeps chucking acorns at our house. About once every two minutes, we are started by a wooden “smack” against the roof, gutters or windows. Squirrels are Satan’s minions, I am told.


2 Responses to “The Mystery of the Alien Baby Dead Thing”

  1. I couln’t believe it when he told me about it and when I saw it I freaked out! Then you thought maybe someone dragged it in from the bottom of their shoe. The thing was obviously just born, hopping was out of the question. BTW have you thought that just maybe your just chucking it out the window was a bad idea? someone will definetely step on it, which they have by now or the squirrels would get their revenge? Now we have to listen to them squealing and throwing the nuts! I just saw a bunch of them congrigating by the back door waiting for you to come out so they could all leap on you at once. I think it’s time you go out and bang on your chest and demand an end to this madness, or maybe call a truce! YUCK YUCK YUCK! I can deal with bugs and spiders, but a dead just born somthing with a mouth eyes, and guts, NO NO NO!

  2. Don’t you have a sunroof? Mystery solved!

    And yes….squirrels ARE Satan’s minions sent to earth to make miserable the lives of gardeners, house dwellers, and bird feeder enthusiasts. Evil creatures, they are…

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